Is it December already!?

I haven't posted in so long! Naughty naughty!!

I have been in counselling for a couple months now. I don't know if it's working, but I really like my therapist. She's really nice & attentive. She seems to understand where I'm coming from even though I'm positive she thinks I'm nuts. And I am so, she's also very intutive.

These last couple months have been loaded with good and bad. I was out of character and became "drama girl" on more than one occaision. I see myself as a cat (a Tabby with dark markings). I like for my space to be nice and neat. I like for my food & water bowls to be clean. I like to lick and love and I'll bite playfully. Mostly I like to be petted and babied. I like to be paid attention to and I will be more than willing to pleadge devotion. But when I'm crossed or even petted the wrong way, I react.

The older I get the worse the reaction. When I was younger I would just go off and lick my wounds then come trotting back; it would take massive scarring before I would learn my lesson about that person. But now I hiss (and sometimes spit) when I don't get the treatment that I expect.

I'm a cat in a world of dogs and Gators. And sometimes I behave badly.

Unhappy

I am miserable, lonely and depressive. Why would I be happy? Well my daddy would say I should be happy because God gave me another day to give it a try. I'm not sure if i buy all of that but I can see that I do have another chance for change everyday. Well every other day, it takes me a while to get out of a snit.

At least I've retained my sense of humor...albeit it's a dry and grating humor. But it makes people laugh and me less annoying to those people. I'm not sure if my daddy would approve...but he laughs too so...

So how do I go about getting this change that I so desperately want and need? Is there a simple formula to follow or a phone number to call? "For instructions on how to erase misery press 1. For instructions on smothering loneliness please press 2. All other calls please stay on the line." (Ummm...totally related money opportunity just popped in my head.)

In all seriousness: I tried reading self help books, but they are too long and drawn out...full of examples of people who are kinda like me, but not enough for me to care about what they did to help themselves. Plus, if you haven't read one of these books, they only take you so far in a case study. They tell you about the person, what they did/needed to do, but they often exclude what happened to that person. Why would I attempt the "3 Steps to Self Awareness" before I have proof that said steps work?

Last week I've started going to counselling. Finally.

Anniversary

My parents just celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary. No one is as shocked as my mother but us kids are a close runner up. Not to spread all my parents' business on the world wide web but they are night and day...my mother is the night. And while I'm happy for them (34 years is a long time!) I'm also jealous and jaundiced.

When they were my age my parents had been married for 5 years and had a child. Sure it was a different time...but is it that different? The more milestones they make the more I doubt that I'll ever make those.  Granted neither of my parents went to college or had even had time to think of it.  They had little to no money and wouldn't for at least another five years. Then there were more children, more bills.  

Now I'm living the life my parents want for me.  An education, a job, a home and "money" (or the potential to make money).  But I have a longing for what they had - a purpose.

When will it be my turn to even start a 34 year union?

sweet night

I'm fueling my fire with caffeine this morning because of my night. I have been dating Gator for almost 4 months. And while it sounds ridiculous, at this moment, 3 weeks ago I was insisting on a "relationship" from Gator (yes I really call him that...he likes the Florida Gators). After much analyzing and agonizing I decided to back off, but that's another blog. This blog is about last night.

The best way to describe is was sweet. Okay so I'm at home, thinking about cleaning, when I get a text (this is our major mode of communication). He wants to know what I'm doing..."supposed to be cleaning," I text back from bed. My cleaning had been only a plan. So he asks if I want to go out with him and some of his friends. Of course I do! So I grab a bite to eat, pick out an outfit, hop in the shower, make up and all that jazz...I'm out of my house in a record hour and a half. I find a rocking parking spot (it was a sign!), then I proceed to the bar where they are.

Okay so here's the run down. His friends are all in couples! Its his roommate, "M" and M's girlfriend (of about a year) and then another couple K & K's girlfriend (they talked about their wedding but I saw no ring). At different parts of the evening (together and independent) both girls tell me that Gator has been talking to everyone about me (tiny squeal). Apparently M's girl had talked Gator into inviting me "I told him to just ask you! I wanted to finally met you!" and he agreed (text: "Me & the clan r goin' d'town 4 awhile...wanna join us?...").

We hung out at one bar and then moved to another. Gator and I fell into a comfortable couple mode. We joked, posed for pictures, we danced, held hands, and we kissed. It was awesome. It felt so good to just be with him. It always does but last night I had let go. I had decided that I was gonna give him the space that he needed and take the pressure off myself and it just felt great to not have to analyze every single thing he said or to try to remember his facial expression so that I could dissect it over the phone with my closest girlfriends.

At the end of the night he walked me to my car (sweet) and he kissed me (so sweet) and he thanked me for coming out...and of course I thanked him for inviting me and kissed him back (ever so sweetly) then I waited until his friends came to the bottom of the garage to pick him up.

Such a sweet night.

Heel Spurs....

Don't ask me what they are 'cause I was barely paying attention.  I'll start at the start:

About two weeks ago I had a pain in my foot.  I chalked it up to being on my feet (after all I do have two jobs).  I decided that a trip to my fav nail salon for a pedi was in order...but not until I got paid, of course. So for a week I barely noticed the pain. In fact I just kept on business as usual in all area esp. in my footwear. I'm a heels girl. I stand at 5 foot almost 1 inch flat-footed. I weigh about 230 so the last few years heels have been a staple in my wardrobe. So last week when my foot hurt so badly I had to switch to flip-flops. After a few days & many ice packs later I dragged my pitiful foot to the foot guy (can't spell the "p" word). 

I left the office with an 'script & an order to get some "supportive sneakers"...& to wear them for the next 2 weeks. Here's the problem: I don't wear sneakers. I have many many heels...a few flats...some flip-flops...& one very dusty pair of "walking shoes" (ie: non-supportive sneakers).  So I went out to buy sneakers. Then four stores & $60 later I had a pair of shoes I deemed acceptable. Then my self esteem dropped about 14 pts. 

My 5 foot almost 1 inch ego couldn't take being that height.  I felt ugly, fatter, fashion-less &...frumpy!  For 3 days I was quiet, withdrawn, generally not myself.  It was awful...& I'm not over it.  

So what do I do? Do I look inward? Focus on inner beauty?  For right now...I'm cheating.  Today I wore flip-flops.  Tomorrow I'm gonna try heels.

Cupcakes

I don't want to talk about men. I'm sick of them.

On Sunday night I whipped up a batch of chocolate cupcakes. I was strolling around my local Wally World the Sunday after the 4th of July and I think, "I want chocolate" and I decide that I'm gonna BAKE. Now I haven't baked since high school bake sales, but I will admit that then I was burning it up! I loved to bake back then, but something about college took it out of me -- probably something to do with not having a stove for the first two years...then the last two were taken up by the drinking...hmm.

Anyways so I am making the cupcakes and I'm happy as a lark because life is going as planned (with the cupcakes as a pleasant spontaneity). And then darkness falls and and my life goes down the drain because a man doesn't do what he promised he would do (really I need to learn to take this better....but that's another post). So here I am in my kitchen with 24 chocolate cupcakes, on the verge of a panic attack and thinking, "If I eat even one of these cupcakes I'll be sick...". I decide that I'm gonna take the cupcakes to work (fatten the asses of the masses), so I pack them all up and have them poised to take to work on Tuesday. Of course on Tuesday morning I have nothing to eat for breakfast but cupcakes so I take one out and sit on my sofa (AKA cat scratch toy) and while I'm there I start thinking about my life and all the control that I don't actually have, here's a short listing:

• I can't control if people love me.
• I can't control if people keep their promises.
• I can't control other people's actions towards me or the universe in general.

So I was thinking, "Damn, Soul. You can't do anything..." but there are things I can do. I can control my actions and in order to make myself happy. I can love myself. Better myself. Make & keep promises to myself. So there over that chocolate cupcake, sitting on my sofa I made the decision to go to grad school. I have an appointment with a grad admissions advior. I have a filled out application. I have a request in for my undergrad transcript.

oh, and I have a belly full of chocolate cupcake and fear.

Getting Rid of the Baggage

I'm so proud of myself and yet sad as well. I have this problem with burning bridges...I don't like doing it. I always think: If I walk away then what could have happened?

Here's the scoop: I'm still in contact with most of the men I've dated. They all still have at least one way to contact me. And they all do because I'm reluctant to burn bridges. Until two weekends ago I've never said, "Don't ever contact me again" for reasons other than the threat of violence. But I threw my shoulders back on Saturday and got rid of two men, kinda.

The first was Adian*. We've actually been actively (at least in his eyes) dating for over 2 years. We'd said the "L" word several times to one another. The problem: He lives several states away and kept making promises to move back home (we're from the same hometown). After months, literrally like 9 (!), of these promises I decieded that it was too painful and began to pull back from him. Of course (since I'm such a chicken shit) I didn't just say that to him, I just started living my life as though he only existed when he called. I did stop telling him that I loved him though. I also wrote 2 emails over 3 months asking him to come home or let me go. Whatever...long story short I broke up with him over text messaging, because he wouldn't call me on the phone. He's hurt, I'm a bitch. I even told him that he could call anytime (I didn't mean it).

The second was Trouble*. Yes I actually called him that to his face. For 2 years we dated (and by dated I mean had sex on every available surface). He is married. I hadn't had sex with him for over a year but he was the most presistant man on the face of the planet. He showed up at my job for the 2nd time in a row and I just could not handle him. Once he leaves I text him and tell him that I'm "now attempting to get this over with". He lets go without a fight.

And that is that. I now have 2 less hearts to consider.


* names changed (even though no one is reading this but me)