Don't ask me what they are 'cause I was barely paying attention. I'll start at the start:
About two weeks ago I had a pain in my foot. I chalked it up to being on my feet (after all I do have two jobs). I decided that a trip to my fav nail salon for a pedi was in order...but not until I got paid, of course. So for a week I barely noticed the pain. In fact I just kept on business as usual in all area esp. in my footwear. I'm a heels girl. I stand at 5 foot almost 1 inch flat-footed. I weigh about 230 so the last few years heels have been a staple in my wardrobe. So last week when my foot hurt so badly I had to switch to flip-flops. After a few days & many ice packs later I dragged my pitiful foot to the foot guy (can't spell the "p" word).
I left the office with an 'script & an order to get some "supportive sneakers"...& to wear them for the next 2 weeks. Here's the problem: I don't wear sneakers. I have many many heels...a few flats...some flip-flops...& one very dusty pair of "walking shoes" (ie: non-supportive sneakers). So I went out to buy sneakers. Then four stores & $60 later I had a pair of shoes I deemed acceptable. Then my self esteem dropped about 14 pts.
My 5 foot almost 1 inch ego couldn't take being that height. I felt ugly, fatter, fashion-less &...frumpy! For 3 days I was quiet, withdrawn, generally not myself. It was awful...& I'm not over it.
So what do I do? Do I look inward? Focus on inner beauty? For right now...I'm cheating. Today I wore flip-flops. Tomorrow I'm gonna try heels.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Cupcakes
I don't want to talk about men. I'm sick of them.
On Sunday night I whipped up a batch of chocolate cupcakes. I was strolling around my local Wally World the Sunday after the 4th of July and I think, "I want chocolate" and I decide that I'm gonna BAKE. Now I haven't baked since high school bake sales, but I will admit that then I was burning it up! I loved to bake back then, but something about college took it out of me -- probably something to do with not having a stove for the first two years...then the last two were taken up by the drinking...hmm.
Anyways so I am making the cupcakes and I'm happy as a lark because life is going as planned (with the cupcakes as a pleasant spontaneity). And then darkness falls and and my life goes down the drain because a man doesn't do what he promised he would do (really I need to learn to take this better....but that's another post). So here I am in my kitchen with 24 chocolate cupcakes, on the verge of a panic attack and thinking, "If I eat even one of these cupcakes I'll be sick...". I decide that I'm gonna take the cupcakes to work (fatten the asses of the masses), so I pack them all up and have them poised to take to work on Tuesday. Of course on Tuesday morning I have nothing to eat for breakfast but cupcakes so I take one out and sit on my sofa (AKA cat scratch toy) and while I'm there I start thinking about my life and all the control that I don't actually have, here's a short listing:
On Sunday night I whipped up a batch of chocolate cupcakes. I was strolling around my local Wally World the Sunday after the 4th of July and I think, "I want chocolate" and I decide that I'm gonna BAKE. Now I haven't baked since high school bake sales, but I will admit that then I was burning it up! I loved to bake back then, but something about college took it out of me -- probably something to do with not having a stove for the first two years...then the last two were taken up by the drinking...hmm.
Anyways so I am making the cupcakes and I'm happy as a lark because life is going as planned (with the cupcakes as a pleasant spontaneity). And then darkness falls and and my life goes down the drain because a man doesn't do what he promised he would do (really I need to learn to take this better....but that's another post). So here I am in my kitchen with 24 chocolate cupcakes, on the verge of a panic attack and thinking, "If I eat even one of these cupcakes I'll be sick...". I decide that I'm gonna take the cupcakes to work (fatten the asses of the masses), so I pack them all up and have them poised to take to work on Tuesday. Of course on Tuesday morning I have nothing to eat for breakfast but cupcakes so I take one out and sit on my sofa (AKA cat scratch toy) and while I'm there I start thinking about my life and all the control that I don't actually have, here's a short listing:
- I can't control if people love me.
- I can't control if people keep their promises.
- I can't control other people's actions towards me or the universe in general.
So I was thinking, "Damn, Soul. You can't do anything..." but there are things I can do. I can control my actions and in order to make myself happy. I can love myself. Better myself. Make & keep promises to myself. So there over that chocolate cupcake, sitting on my sofa I made the decision to go to grad school. I have an appointment with a grad admissions advior. I have a filled out application. I have a request in for my undergrad transcript.
oh, and I have a belly full of chocolate cupcake and fear.
Getting Rid of the Baggage
I'm so proud of myself and yet sad as well. I have this problem with burning bridges...I don't like doing it. I always think: If I walk away then what could have happened?
Here's the scoop: I'm still in contact with most of the men I've dated. They all still have at least one way to contact me. And they all do because I'm reluctant to burn bridges. Until two weekends ago I've never said, "Don't ever contact me again" for reasons other than the threat of violence. But I threw my shoulders back on Saturday and got rid of two men, kinda.
The first was Adian*. We've actually been actively (at least in his eyes) dating for over 2 years. We'd said the "L" word several times to one another. The problem: He lives several states away and kept making promises to move back home (we're from the same hometown). After months, literrally like 9 (!), of these promises I decieded that it was too painful and began to pull back from him. Of course (since I'm such a chicken shit) I didn't just say that to him, I just started living my life as though he only existed when he called. I did stop telling him that I loved him though. I also wrote 2 emails over 3 months asking him to come home or let me go. Whatever...long story short I broke up with him over text messaging, because he wouldn't call me on the phone. He's hurt, I'm a bitch. I even told him that he could call anytime (I didn't mean it).
The second was Trouble*. Yes I actually called him that to his face. For 2 years we dated (and by dated I mean had sex on every available surface). He is married. I hadn't had sex with him for over a year but he was the most presistant man on the face of the planet. He showed up at my job for the 2nd time in a row and I just could not handle him. Once he leaves I text him and tell him that I'm "now attempting to get this over with". He lets go without a fight.
And that is that. I now have 2 less hearts to consider.
* names changed (even though no one is reading this but me)
Here's the scoop: I'm still in contact with most of the men I've dated. They all still have at least one way to contact me. And they all do because I'm reluctant to burn bridges. Until two weekends ago I've never said, "Don't ever contact me again" for reasons other than the threat of violence. But I threw my shoulders back on Saturday and got rid of two men, kinda.
The first was Adian*. We've actually been actively (at least in his eyes) dating for over 2 years. We'd said the "L" word several times to one another. The problem: He lives several states away and kept making promises to move back home (we're from the same hometown). After months, literrally like 9 (!), of these promises I decieded that it was too painful and began to pull back from him. Of course (since I'm such a chicken shit) I didn't just say that to him, I just started living my life as though he only existed when he called. I did stop telling him that I loved him though. I also wrote 2 emails over 3 months asking him to come home or let me go. Whatever...long story short I broke up with him over text messaging, because he wouldn't call me on the phone. He's hurt, I'm a bitch. I even told him that he could call anytime (I didn't mean it).
The second was Trouble*. Yes I actually called him that to his face. For 2 years we dated (and by dated I mean had sex on every available surface). He is married. I hadn't had sex with him for over a year but he was the most presistant man on the face of the planet. He showed up at my job for the 2nd time in a row and I just could not handle him. Once he leaves I text him and tell him that I'm "now attempting to get this over with". He lets go without a fight.
And that is that. I now have 2 less hearts to consider.
* names changed (even though no one is reading this but me)
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